yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
