If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
