Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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