I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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