Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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