She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
