I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
