Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
