so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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