i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
