i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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