3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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