What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
