too bad you live with your parents still
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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