She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
