worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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