I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
