Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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