How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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