What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
