it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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