david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Vodka?
Forever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
