2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
