Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
