it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
