Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
