She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
