Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
