i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just invented taco cereal.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
