My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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