I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
