Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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