dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
