apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
