I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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