i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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