he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
