tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
