every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I didn't notice because vodka
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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