I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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