Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
