i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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