I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
