tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
