Having a random hookup so left but love u
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
