I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
