I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
