Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
