I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
