Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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