I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
