Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
