the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
